I have a friend who openly laughs at me. Now, some may find this cruel…but I find it endearing, honest and necessary. She laughs at me for saying things that are in direct and absolute contrast to the space I am in. When I smile and say “I’m fine…” She knows that this is my coping strategy. I shared with her forever ago that when I say “I’m fine” it merely means I cannot bring myself to admit I am: Furious. Insecure. Neurotic. and Emotional. I can however say I am Fine.
Having these people in your life is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself. Odds are you serve the equal purpose in their lives. We need those out there who not only “get” us, but can sympathize, empathize and truly shake us until our heads roll across the floor. But they also love us enough to walk over…pick our heads up and screw them back on correctly. Then hug us because they know we need a hug, but we would never ask for one. We are fine.
I’ve been making Santas for five years now. In many ways that seems like an eternity, and in some it seems like last week I was preparing to leave my big girl office job that I LOVED to be a stay at home Mommy for Ansley. It’s so hysterical to look back over choices and consequences isn’t it?
Sort of like trying to navigate a land mine from a map drawn out of crayon. You choose what you choose based on what you know (or think you know) and once you sit there for a moment…baby screaming but house sparkling, you realize…I am SO not stay at home Mommy material. KABOOM!!!
Yea. Funny huh? Then you twirl and whirl and for a variety of reasons you create an alternative plan. That was really what the Santas began as, Plan B. I never once in a blue trillion years would have thought I would have loved Plan B as much as I have.
It took me to places I never thought I’d go. I met people I knew nothing about in my prior lives and then couldn’t imagine not knowing them for the rest of this life. I made connections, end roads and a name for myself all from a secondary choice, a happenstance, and a consequence. But nothing in life ever comes without a cost, and when you turn to the left, instead of the right, Life readjusts its sails as well. Sometimes you find yourself off course. KABOOM!!!
I sometimes forget when I get bogged down in the details of being a Santa Girl, that the end results are truly what make it worthwhile though. The last seven Santas we made this year were Memory Santas. Each had a story, a box, a letter…a personal embodiment and a survivor(s). This was more than decor’….this was more than a present….this was a gift, and they all needed to be perfect. I needed to find the 25th hour of the eighth day in the 13th Month.
Cue the laughter from my friend.
By the end of the year after pouring my heart and soul into each of those Santas, I had used all my Ju-Ju, I had ridden the emotional roller coaster till my tickets ran out and one by one, I kissed them goodbye and delivered them to their new homes. I worried over them, I prayed over them and I crossed my fingers, eyelashes and toes that they did justice to the people they were made to honor.
I was spent, back up against a wall of the time of year that is already difficult for me on the best of days…Truly, for the first time in five years, I had nothing left. I was so very, very fine.
But then, as fate has it…the rescue comes. The breath of life into my dusty soul. The phone rings and someone tells me their story. The heartfelt emails that make me cry because it came with a picture of someone who had received the object of my labor…their Santa, their loved one, their memory. I sit and read over the words like they are voices in my head…dancing around, clearing the cobwebs, drawing back the curtains and once again letting the light shine that had almost extinguished itself. This time however I was strangely okay with that. It was fine.
We all make our choices based on what we know to be true at that moment. There are always extenuating circumstances, some more than others, but we weigh our options and place our bets on what we believe we can achieve and hope for the best. Choices change, circumstances change, outcomes, options and reasons all change. The secret is to continue on no matter what.
There will be moments when you land safely and build up the courage and faith to take the next step. Don’t ever get too confident, there will be the KABOOM moments, they are equally as important. Regroup, recover, and reset your direction and try again…continuing on.
Rest assured, all in the end will be fine.